Thursday April 1, 2021 2:15 pm

The need to run is on me again.

What is it, God? What am I not getting?

What do you do when the place you ran to becomes the place you want to run from?

When the walls start closing in.. is this fight or flight? Or just flight?

I know it’s something in me. Something deep inside.

It feels primal.

My throat starts closing up.

I’m paralyzed.

What makes me need it? I know it’s me now.

What do I do with that?

Scream? Cry? Curl up in a ball and MAKE myself be still?

It never works. I think it makes it worse in the end.

Because I have forced myself to hold it… to keep it together.

To smile when I don’t want to.

To talk. Force conversation.

It’s agonizing.

I just want to go.

Nowhere in particular.

Where no one knows my name.

Where I can be on the outside who I am on the inside.

Where people get that.

Without judgements.

Where is that? Where is that place? Why can’t I find it?

Am I not brave enough?

Willing enough?

Are my eyes not open enough?

Am I just too broken?

I need you.

Is it true? What they say?

Are you right here beside me?

Protect me, God. Can you protect me from myself?

Does every lesson have to be learned the hard way?

I love you.

Thank you.

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